


Despicable

by Psithurisma



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, Heavy Angst, Implied mental illness, M/M, Romance, Tissue Warning, good luck, hyuk died when he was 12 so character death i guess, leobin - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-22
Updated: 2015-05-22
Packaged: 2018-03-31 16:28:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3984952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Psithurisma/pseuds/Psithurisma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hongbin can't live without two boys, Sanghyuk and Taekwoon. One is dead, yet still constantly haunts him. The other he has fallen in love with. Hongbin doesn't want to lose both.</p><p>Angst, Romance, Leobin</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. (1 / 4)

**Author's Note:**

> \---this fic is locked because i wish to rewrite it

 

 

 

“Whatcha writing?”  
  
  
A curious voice asked a question which pulled Hongbin out of his trance. He looked up in surprise, seeing a figure right next to him who he had hardly seen sit down. He closed the book gently with a warm smile to one of the boys from their little once-gang of 6. The self-proclaimed leader, Hakyeon.  
  
  
“Writing to Hyuk.” He replied quietly, wondering how much he had seen. He looked down at the book a little nervously, looking back up to a suddenly concerned Hakyeon.  
  
  
“You’re still writing to him?” He asked seriously, the smile faded. “I mean, you were the closest to him, but … it’s been almost six years since then, you know.”  
  
  
Hakyeon just smiled nervously, looking away and down. “He’s still with us, though.”  
  
  
“Hyuk would want you to … nevermind.” Hakyeon finished with a sigh, only to ruffle Hongbin’s hair. Hakyeon turned his head, now looking at the field before them. “Is Taekwoon playing?"  
  
Hongbin’s eyes flickered over to the field, nodding once before looking down. “He was just training, I think it’s over now. I came out for fresh air.” He lied easily.  
  
  
As if on cue, the bench shook a little as another person sat right next to Hongbin, causing Hongbin to jump. It was Taekwoon, a sweat towel around his neck, his hair a little drenched by the amounts of exercise.  
  
  
“Taekwoon!” Hakyeon exclaimed, getting up and sitting in between Hongbin and Taekwoon. Hongbin to slid in the opposite direction to them to give Hakyeon enough room. As if to distract himself from Hakyeon shaking Taekwoon on the shoulder telling him that he did really well as if he had been sitting there the whole time, Hongbin was sliding the book with the letter back in his bag, telling himself he’d finish it later. He got out a water bottle, holding it out across from Hakyeon to Taekwoon.  
  
  
Taekwoon’s eyes flickered over at Hongbin, giving a soft smile and saying his thanks in that quiet, light voice of his that made Hongbin’s stomach flip inside. Sitting back up, Hakyeon immediately whined why Taekwoon responded to Hongbin and not him. Taekwoon just stared at Hakyeon with a flat face, calling him his number one insult of “bothersome” and standing up, looking down at a wide-eyed Hongbin.  
  
  
“Thanks again for the water,” the older boy told him, earning a nod from the boy who was now hugging his bag. “Thanks for watching me train too, unlike someone.”  
  
  
Hakyeon’s lips parted in shock, and it caused a wide smile to escape from Hongbin that he hid into his bag out of amusement. So Taekwoon had seen him after all. Hakyeon left Hongbin without even saying goodbye, trotting after a half-amused-but-not-showing-it Taekwoon, trying to tell him that he was in fact there, though had to leave a lot for toilet breaks so that was why he wasn’t seen!  
  
Hongbin just watched over his shoulder as they walked up the stairs and out of the field with a small smile over his face and back down to his bag, wondering if he should finish the letter. The wind had picked up though, so maybe he should head inside to the school building.

 

♔ 

 

He found himself walking down the hallways with his bag lazily strung on one shoulder, obviously not thinking about the pain the next day. He bit his lip, glancing into the classrooms to see if there were any spare ones he could write peacefully in. He was losing hope by the ten minute mark, huffing silently as wide eyes looked through one door window only to see no other than Jaehwan and Wonshik in the room, about to shrink away before he was seen, only to hear:  
  
  
“Hey! Lee Handbag!” He cringed immediately as Jaehwan called out one of his frankly ridiculous nicknames, looking back as Jaehwan was pulling onto his bag as he got dragged into the room.  
  
  
He stumbled in, muttering irritated “alright, okay”. Jaehwan was already patting a chair down for him next to a waving Wonshik, smiling happily. Hongbin sighed and sank into the chair, giving a hard stare to the both of them only to be handed a song with lyrics.  
  
  
“Taekwoon has gone to have a date with his girlfriend, so we’re a singer short.” Jaehwan explained, being particularly mocking with the mention of a Taekwoon’s lover. Hongbin blinked in surprise, looking down to his sheet only to realise they were the lyrics to the song Secret Night. Hongbin immediately cringed, looking at the lyrics and then a smug looking Wonshik with a guitar.

With Hongbin’s eyebrows knotting together in judgement, he looked at Wonshik with a loud sigh, rolling up the lyrics and wacking it on his head. “There’s no way I’m singing such dirty lyrics, go and get your own girlfriend.” Hongbin looked down at the lyrics with wide eyes. “I can’t believe you finished this…”  
  
  
Wonshik just laughed loudly, swatting away the paper away. “It’s good though, I’m proud of it.”  
  
  
“Why do you want me to sing it?” He asked, bewildered by everything. He sighed and rested an elbow on his knee, cupping the side of his face while he went over the lyrics again only to say quietly: “My voice is nothing like Taekwoon’s… literally, mine is ten times deeper too…”  
  
  
“Then just be a temporary until we get Taekwoon back.” Wonshik pouted, looking at his guitar. “Since you hate the song so mu-”  
  
  
“If we get Taekwoon back, he’s forgotten about us since he got his hands on Hyeri.” Jaehwan immediately whined, his voice always too loud than needed or wanted. Hongbin just gave a soft smile at both of their collective scowls before looking back to his sheet. Even though it was for different reasons, he was secretly pleased that Taekwoon’s relationship status was bothering people.

  
“You’re just jealous, Jaehwan.” Wonshik immediately retorted.  
  
  
“ _As if_ I’m in love with Taekwoon!” Jaehwan replied loudly, his whole features scrunching up as Hongbin suddenly looked up at the two of them; did he like Taekwoon too?  
  
  
“No,” Wonshik sighed, whacking Jaehwan with his own paper this time. “Jealous of Hyeri, you idiot. I saw how you looked at her even before they started going out.”

  
“Oh, yeah… she’s cute.” Jaehwan sighed dramatically, looking at the lyrics, his large lips forming a childish pout as he leant back into his chair. “I like Sojin more though … I wouldn’t mind: ‘Hotly rock n’ roll on this night when everyone is sleeping’ with her.” He mused, reading the lyrics directly from the sheet, causing Wonshik and Hongbin to choke on air and break into childish giggles. Hongbin seemed to relax immediately, eyelashes slanting back down to the lyrics, obviously relieved. He was still smiling as Wonshik began to strum his guitar, sighing as he tried to compose himself to practice the song. Jaehwan just grinned into the paper, his eyes forming crescents.

As soon as it was Hongbin’s turn, he immediately realised that it sounded so much more horribly promiscuous actually saying the words and stuttered immediately on: _‘wiggling inside your body, awake the instincts’,_ coughing and having to look away, red-faced. This was highly amusing for Jaehwan and Wonshik, especially when Hongbin whined “I can’t do it, I can’t do it,” squeezing his eyes closed and leaning his body back, shaking his head with a pink face as Wonshik’s and Jaehwan’s rambunctious laughter filled the room.   
  
  
_I’m sorry, Hyuk._

 

 

♔

 

 

  
He was blinking slowly, completely zoned out from the current class with Taekwoon sleeping next to him. He wondered how the boy even managed to get grades even better than him, though he figured this must be his resting time with him training so much. There were twenty messages from his girlfriend already, Taekwoon putting his phone on silent for good reason. Though as the older boy’s eyes were closed, he couldn’t help but to gaze down at them as they popped up.

_‘Taekwoonie, buy me some milk.’_

_‘I’m so hungry, Taekwoonie…’_

_‘Are you studying hard? Hwaiting!’_

_‘Taek~ taek~ I’m learning English right now, taek sounds a lot like ‘take’ doesn’t it? Why don’t you taek me out shopping? kkkk’_

_‘Hey, are you ignoring me, Taekwoonie? Do you not like me anymore?’_

_‘I’m crying in class, Taekwoonie, why don’t you love me anymore?’_

 

Hongbin was getting more and more nervous by the second, especially with the most recent message. He tugged his collar with a single finger, wetting his lips when he sighed softly. He gently nudged Taekwoon.

  
“Taekwoon.” He murmured, only for Taekwoon to simply try and shrug him off, looking away. Hongbin glanced up at the teacher in case, but he was still writing on the board, causing Hongbin to shake him a little.  
  
  
“Taekwoon, Hyeri is messaging you…”  
  
  
“She always messages me…” A restless voice murmured, his face inclining into his textbook.  
  
  
“She seems upset.”  
  
  
Taekwoon’s head raised immediately, taking his phone and leaning back on his chair. His sleepy eyes blinked down on the phone with an expressionless face. Hongbin blinked over at Taekwoon, who was scrolling up to read where her messages started; which was apparently a while ago as Hongbin watched him swipe his thumb upwards multiple times. A slight frown came from Taekwoon, having read them now and a soft sigh escaped from him. Hongbin returned to his paper, jotting down some belated notes yet found his eyes being pulled away like magnets to Taekwoon’s, who was now smiling at the screen. The younger boy sighed softly, feeling his body seem to melt at the sight, yet curdle as the smile was not because of him, but the girl Taekwoon loved.  
  
  
Apparently, Taekwoon had explained himself to her, since as soon enough Taekwoon was napping on his notes again, and the phone remained silent. As he slept, Hongbin opened his notebook compiled with letters to Hyuk, opening at a new page.

 

 

 

 

  


 

“Hongbin?”  
  
  
Hongbin’s head raised, spooked by the sudden voice as his eyes snapped over to Taekwoon, incredibly tense. Taekwoon looked tired, his eyebrows knotting as he squinted through eyelashes. “You’re crying.” He pointed out softly.  
  
Hongbin blinked, only to feel tears prick his eyes, immediately looking down. “A-Am I?” He could only stutter, his fingers carefully rubbing his eyes as if to get rid of any evidence.  
  
  
Taekwoon just stared at Hongbin with an expressionless face, making him more and more nervous by the minute. Hongbin swallowed thickly, his hands trembling on the note he had written to Hyuk. Taekwoon then noticed it himself, eyes peering down to the younger boy’s trembling fingers. Hongbin’s lips parted in protest, tears now dripping from his waterline as Taekwoon now had the letter, what was he doing… why was he reading… Hongbin was in a state of shock, soft ‘no’s of protest as Taekwoon’s eyes grew grave.

Hongbin had known him for years; while to the untrained eye, Taekwoon’s face may not have shown change, though Hongbin could see it.

  
Disappointment.  
  
  
Taekwoon’s hand then raised in the air, the other sliding the notebook back on Hongbin’s desk. Hongbin immediately picked it up and held it to his chest, staring down at the table.  
  
  
“Sir, Hongbin is feeling sick, can I take him to the infirmary?”  
  
  
Hongbin’s eyes widened in fear, his face pale as the teacher said an affirmative, and his wrist was taken. Clutching the book with one hand, he was half-pulled from his seat and taken outside, but not before catching brief eye-contact with a concerned Hakyeon.  
  
  
Hongbin then found himself sitting on a flight of stairs, hugging his notebook as Taekwoon sat down beside him, sighing and leant back, eyes flitting over towards a dazed Hongbin, staring at nothing, his eyes dried of his tears.  
  
  
“Hongbin…”  
  
  
“Hm?”  
  
  
“Hyuk is dead.” Taekwoon said softly, gazing down at his feet.  
  
  
Hongbin’s head turned to Taekwoon, wide eyes staring at him, barely breathing a: “I know.”  
  
  
“I know you… see him, I know you miss him, but…” Taekwoon was obviously trying to remain sensitive, his voice light and airy. “... he’s been gone for six years, I don’t think he’d want you to be like this.”  
  
  
Hongbin’s lips parted and closed as if to say something, though remained silent. He had heard this all before, Hyuk was dead, what he was seeing wasn’t real, his notes were only to comfort himself, he should …  
  
  
“You should try and move on, Hongbin.” Taekwoon sighed softly, his fingers knotting together.  
  
  
“I’m trying.” Hongbin half-whined, though his voice was barely audible.  
  
  
“Are you? How many notes have you written to him this week?” Taekwoon asked, his head angled to see Hongbin’s quivering face.  
  
  
“... I-I’m trying.” He repeated exasperatedly, eyes now staring back into Taekwoon’s.

  
“Why are you blocking us out? We know how you’re feeling more than anybody.” A different voice. Hongbin froze and looked up, unlike Taekwoon who remained as he was, staring at the ground. Hakyeon was standing at the top of the stairs with his bag, with Wonshik and Jaehwan behind him. Clearly, Hakyeon had used his class president position to get them out of class.  
  
  
Hongbin’s eyes lowered to see them all in front of him, glancing at Taekwoon and back down at his book. They were all here, all six of them… something appeared in the corner of his eye, as Hongbin’s head followed to see Hyuk standing in the corner - somehow the same age as all of them despite dying at twelve. Hongbin stared at Hyuk’s solemn face, making eye-contact. Hyuk’s gaze then lowered and he walked down the stairs into the next floor.  
  
  
Was he being a disappointment? Was Hyuk disappointed in him? Did Hyuk not want him to forget him, or did he want him to move on? Hongbin’s gaze and sudden focus was noticed by the other four, their expressions grim. Suddenly, Hakyeon squeezed in between the wall and Hongbin, slinging an arm around his arms in comfort, Jaehwan resting his chin on Hongbin’s shoulder from behind and Wonshik ruffling his hair affectionately. Taekwoon sat next to Hongbin simply, watching all of them wordlessly.  
  
While Hongbin knew that their silent gestures of affection were meant to be comforting, but he felt like he was being babied. He stared down at the ground, eyes threatening to well with tears once more. He wasn’t a child. Not anymore.  
  
  
“You’re not alone, Hongbin.” Hakyeon said softly, smiling up at him and shaking him despite Hongbin being tense and stiff. “Hyuk wouldn’t want you to face it alone, we’ve had our turn and while we still think of him… we’ve moved on. It’s your turn.”  
  
  
“You have us, bingbong!” Jaehwan exclaimed, always too loud for the situation and not to mention, right in Hongbin’s ear.  
  
  
Hongbin cringed, wanting to escape from being treated like a child and clutched his book close to his chest and hurried down the stairs, leaving the other four boys blinking in surprise.  
  
  
“Idiot.” Hakyeon scowled at Jaehwan, shoving his head away half-heartedly with his hand. Jaehwan whined and clutched his face, shaking Hakyeon’s shoulder in return.

 

 

♔

 

 

Days seemed to blur together; the only reason Hongbin was able to remember the date each day was because he always scribbled it on top of every note for Hyuk. He would find himself standing by the window, staring outside in between classes to see Hyeri sitting on the fence of the soccer field, only for Taekwoon to run over and kiss up into her lips after he’d kicked a goal.  
  
  
Hongbin had never been the jealous type.  
  
  
At least that’s what he kept telling himself while his heart ached every time he witnessed any sort of public displays of affection, or when he looked down at their linked hands and saw couple rings encircling matching fingers.  
  
  
What hurt most - him not being able to be with Taekwoon instead of Hyeri? Or the fact Taekwoon loved Hyeri too much for him to do anything about it? Hongbin didn’t know. He found himself staring blankly before remembering he had a class to go to, shrugging his feelings off and giving a brief smile to Hyuk who had been sitting down on the stairs, though only lasting a few seconds.  
  
  
A month passed like this, idle staring, sleeping on textbooks, writing pointless notes to Hyuk, even if nothing happened that day to talk about. Hongbin found himself detaching himself from the other four, not liking their looks of concern and how their voices were always so cautious when talking to him, even Jaehwan. The only person that was close to normal to talk to was Taekwoon, when he wasn’t busy staring at his phone and talking to Hyeri.  
  
  
It was, until the day that Hongbin found Taekwoon outside, sitting on the grass with his back against one of the school’s brick walls and staring blankly out onto the field that Taekwoon’s texts to Hyeri faltered.  
  
  
“... Taekwoon?” Hongbin said softly, startling Taekwoon a little, as the older boy had flinched and looked up at him. It only occurred to Hongbin now how swollen and blotchy his eyes were now, causing the younger boy to immediately sit down.  
  
  
“Hey, hey…” Hongbin breathed, his widened eyes staring into a distant Taekwoon, who half-heartedly swatted Hongbin’s flustered hands away. The latter knew that Taekwoon was surprisingly emotional - he was either flat-faced or crying, there was no in between, yet these moments were rare.  
  
  
“What’s wrong, Taekwoon?” Hongbin asked quietly, sitting next to the older boy and resting his back against the wall. He watched Taekwoon, his gaze unfaltering as the latter’s eyes lowered and looked at his hands.  
  
  
“Hyeri… moved away.” Taekwoon stated, his voice without emotion. It wasn’t soft or light like it usually was, it was hoarse, as if suppressing any possible meltdowns he might have right now.  
  
  
“Moved away? When?” Hongbin asked, his lips parting in surprise.  
  
  
“Yesterday,” The older boy breathed, barely able to put any volume to his words. “She left yesterday. I went to the airport to try and convince her father not to make her go but… I was too late, I was too…”  
  
  
His hands had begun shaking violently, and Taekwoon’s blank features suddenly trembled into a grimace, bowing his head as a gentle sob escaped him. Hongbin’s featured softened, bringing him into a hug instinctively as Taekwoon’s head slowly slid to his shoulder, hair cascading down his back. “... I’m so sorry, Taekwoon.”  
  
  
Hongbin frowned, wondering… even though she moved away, they could still contact each other right? It wasn’t the be-all-and-end-all anymore if someone went to live overseas. “It’s okay,” Hongbin began, rubbing Taekwoon’s back in comfort. “It’s okay, you can still contact her, right? Even though she’s in a different country, you can still text her and continue the relationship one day at a…” Though Hongbin looked down to see Taekwoon shaking his head on his shoulder, the former’s lips parting in shock. Another sob shook the older boy’s shaking body, as if denying Hongbin’s claim. “... time …”  
  
  
“She ended it. She said her father didn’t want her to return for a long time… so she figured it would be best … H-Hongbin I …”  
  
  
“You loved her.” Hongbin said quietly, as if reminding himself. “I know.” 

 

 

♔

 

 

If it was even possible, Taekwoon was much quieter than usual for the first week or so. Hongbin watched him as Taekwoon seemed to hover around him wherever he went like some kind of guide dog, expressionless face and intense eyes. Hongbin never questioned it, obviously not minding his presence around him. He had asked why Taekwoon had chosen him to keep him company, which he was only given a short reply: “You’re quiet.”  
  
  
Really, he couldn’t blame him. After he had told the other boys the news with reddened eyes and a tear-stained face, he had been ushered in hugs, supporting - and loud - words of comfort, which Taekwoon seemed to put up with, to a certain extent. He seemed to appreciate the care that the other three put in, though at the end of the day, if he needed company, he ended up gravitating to Hongbin. Hongbin just smiled weakly every time he turned around and there was Taekwoon, staring at his phone for a text or phone call that would never come, having zoned out at the thought of her. It hurt Hongbin to look at it, though hated himself for the reasons why.  
  
  
He was a despicable creature.

 

 

 

 


	2. ( 2/ 4 )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If there is any questions about this fic, please ask [here!](http://ask.fm/xfaunalyn)

 

 

 

“Taekwoon.” Hongbin said quietly, leaning over the desk to shake Taekwoon back into consciousness.  
  
  
“Hey, Taekwoon.” How often did he have to do this? He seemed that every second day he had to wake up the kid who had dozed off in whatever place. He must be even losing sleep over her, and Hongbin found himself feeling like he was going to throw up at his jealous thoughts.  
  
Taekwoon stirred, turning his head ever so slightly so a dark, intense eye peered over at him and blinking slowly, as if asking what he wanted. Hongbin smiled briefly, sitting back and sighing, only to rest his head in his hand. “You can’t fall asleep in the library. You’ll get kicked out.”  
  
It was after school hours, and Hongbin had been studying for an hour or so, which was what he’d like to say, at least, due to the fact he had been writing a letter to Sanghyuk for half of it. Sanghyuk was here now, even, sitting next to Taekwoon at the desk with his gentle features smiling at him. Hongbin found himself dealing with a pang of jealousy for another reason, as Sanghyuk returned the gaze, only to return slowly to Taekwoon who sat up, his hair dishevelled.  
  
  
  
Hongbin’s eyes flittered back and forwards to Sanghyuk and Taekwoon, his lips parting and closing like a goldfish, not knowing what to say. He decided to not speak his mind at all, not tell Taekwoon that Sanghyuk was sitting right next to him, out of fear he’d have Hakyeon telling him to go see someone before he went crazy.

  
  
  
But he wasn’t crazy. Sanghyuk was real.  
  
  
  
  
  
Taekwoon seemed to notice, blank eyes peering at what appeared to be nothing to him. He looked back at Hongbin questionably, who suddenly  
looked pale, looking down at his work and closing it. He couldn’t study with Sanghyuk here, he was too distracting, and the look the latter gave to Taekwoon when he realised he couldn’t see him was heart-breaking.  
  
  
  
“Hongbin…” Taekwoon’s airy voice made Hongbin’s head perk up immediately, as if caught in the act for packing up, which he was obviously doing. “... Are you seeing Sanghyuk here?”  
  
  
  
Hongbin’s mouth went dry, having to lick his lips before he responded. “Yeah he was right--” His eyes flickered over to a now empty seat, void of any teenage Sanghyuk who just looked so content to be being able to sit next to Taekwoon just a few moments ago. “... there.”  
  
  
  
Taekwoon sighed, suddenly standing up and collecting his things, pocketing his phone. “I’m taking you home.” He had said softly, looking down at the pencilcase he slowly zipped up. Hongbin’s eyes widened in protest, hugging his books to his chest as he gave a small squeak in retaliation.  
  
  
  
“T-There’s really no need--”  
  
  
  
Hongbin’s voice ceased when he was met with Taekwoon’s hardened, dark eyes that seemed almost like a warning look. Hongbin winced, almost collapsing back into his seat in defeat, though ended up just looking away and swallowing hard.  
  
  
  
“Y-You should be the one to … be taken home …” Hongbin started, looking down at the desk as long fingers nervously felt the wooden texture as he spoke. “You’re so exhausted all the time, and t-thinking about Hyeri--”  
  
  
  
“I’m not thinking about Hyeri.” Taekwoon stated flatly, yet his voice was still so light and feathery. Hongbin’s eyes widened in shock, his eyes raising to meet Taekwoon’s, who continued. “I’m tired because I train hard and study at night to catch up. It’s been two months since then, Hongbin.” He reminded slowly, unblinking. “I’ve moved on. I’ve had to.”  
  
  
  
Had it really been two months since Hyeri moved away? Hongbin’s eye-contact with Taekwoon faltered, giving a sad little smile and looking down. Perhaps it was him living in the past, then again, when hasn’t he? He was constantly reminded of such, anyway. Hongbin tilted his head to the side in defeat as Taekwoon slid his bag onto his shoulder, staring at him wordlessly until Hongbin got up. He did, long limbs straightening as he forced himself to pack up, sighing quietly as his eyes flickered to the empty seat Sanghyuk once sat in. Hongbin’s lips thinned into a straight line and trotted out of the library where Taekwoon was waiting for him.  
  


♔

 

  
They walked, off the premises and onto the streets of empty suburbia, grimy pavements and graffiti-ridden pipes and fences and moss-growing brick walls. Hongbin said nothing, large almond eyes occasionally flickered over to an expressionless Taekwoon, their knuckles sometimes brushing up against each other.  
  
  
  
Hongbin swallowed at that fact, gazing away at the cars quietly rolling by, the only sound other than their light footsteps they could hear.  
  
  
  
“Taek-”  
  
  
  
“Hong-”  
  
  
  
They met eyes, realising that they had gone to say each other’s names at the same time, small smiles pulling their lips back gently as they both immediately looked away and sheepishly to the ground.  
  
  
  
“I-”

“I-”

Hongbin sighed, giving him a look of annoyance that Taekwoon kept trying to butt in, only to be given a light shove of the head, pleased to see the older boy’s curved lips smile in amusement. He rolled his eyes, flattening his hair down and he was finally allowed to speak.  
  
  
“Did you want to stay for dinner? Since my house … isn’t really on the way to yours.” Hongbin suggested, eyes looking hopefully up at Taekwoon, who looked away thoughtfully and gave a couple of nods. Suddenly, the older boy’s features suddenly contorted in a slight frown:  
  
  
“But if it’s your mum’s cooking--”  
  
“It won’t be, Mum’s gone on a nightshift. I’ll cook.”  
  
  
Taekwoon’s shoulders seemed to sink in relief, a wide smile spreading across Hongbin’s face in amusement, dimples gracing his face. Taekwoon blinked at him interestingly, causing it to quickly fade, only for the younger boy to panic.  
  
  
“No, wait--” Taekwoon blurted, only to puff up his cheeks and look away with a frown. “I was just only going to say, I haven’t seen it in awhile.”

“Seen what?”  
  
  
Taekwoon returned his gaze, lifting an eyebrow delicately as if it was obvious. “Your smile.”  
  
  
“I smile a lot.” Hongbin replied truthfully, pointing at himself.  
  
  
“Not a true smile.” Taekwoon pointed out, giving a soft frown and a sigh. “... Not one with teeth, that’s everyone’s favourite. The one that makes all the girls swoon, you know?”  
  
  
Hongbin just rolled his eyes. Ridiculous. “I don’t make any girls swoon.”  
  
  
“You make me sw--” Taekwoon realised what he was saying, his head immediately dipping away, his eyes widening incredulously with what he had been about to say. He coughed, pale lips pressing against his long-fingered hand as he mentally cursed himself, rubbing his pink-tinted nose. Hongbin blinked up curiously, wondering what he was going to say, though quickly dismissed it and looked away.  
  
  
  
Nah, couldn’t be.

 

After they had taken off their school blazers in the warmth of Hongbin’s home, Hongbin was starving and was already patting his stomach and walking off into the kitchen to cook some much-needed ramyeon. He knew it wasn’t amazingly nutritious, but it hit the spot, and besides, he secretly loved the way Taekwoon’s eyes lit up when he tasted it.  
  
Taekwoon had gone into Hongbin’s room to dump their stuff in there, and probably changing out of his uniform that he seemed to despise so much. Nothing seemed to please Taekwoon more than wearing comfy clothes, though those were usually in the form of sportswear, the no-need-to-button-up pants and slip-on jersey instead of tight-fitting dress shirts and thigh-hugging pants (that Hongbin, regrettably, thought about a little too much) couldn’t compare to Taekwoon.

  
Hongbin finished putting the ramyeon into the bowls with a couple of taps to his ladle and putting it in the sink for washing later, whistling a tune through pouted lips. He held the bowls of ramyeon with either hand and hugged them closely to his chest. He blinked slowly, cheeks rosy from the warmth of the stove, hair tussled in all directions due to the wind from outside. He was about to set the ramyeon on the table when he saw Taekwoon’s silhouette still in his room.  
  
  
“Taekwoon?” Hongbin called out, though the man didn’t seem to budge much. So Hongbin casually entered his bedroom to see Taekwoon standing up, eyes gazing down at something. Hongbin blinked, wide and curious eyes staring down through long lashes, recognising it to be…  
  
  
Hongbin’s stomach churned painfully in dread, his lips parting in horror and taking a step back. His bowls of ramyeon slipped from his clammy hands as the plastic clanged against the floorboard. Broth and noodles spilt across the wood at their feet, the noise ringing in the air.  
  
  
“Hongbin…” Taekwoon said softly, having barely flinched from the noise of the noodles between them, eyes glancing up from Hongbin’s notebook of letters to Hyuk, who was currently was sitting on the bed between them, cautious eyes zipping from side to side, lips parted in worry. Hongbin payed him no mind, as his hands were trembling. The book had a red cover. Hongbin only confessed his love for Taekwoon in the one with the red cover. The red, the strong scarlet that matched Hongbin’s pale cheeks as he looked away, swallowing hard.  
  
“I-I can explain."  
  
“How long… have you felt this?” Taekwoon lifted his head fully now, eyes slowly opening to stare unfalteringly into Hongbin’s fluttering ones.  
  
  
“... A-A… _A_ …” Hongbin couldn’t seem to get any words out at all, a hand coming to trembling lips, feeling his eyes prick with tears. Taekwoon was never meant to find out. Taekwoon was never meant to know. It was meant to be Hyuk and Hongbin’s special secret. Hyuk… Hyuk told him, didn’t he? Hongbin’s face grew scared and physically sick at the thought, that Hyuk might of ratted him out. He hardly realised that his knees were faltering to the point of falling until Taekwoon’s arm had hooked around his body, supporting his legs. It didn’t help Hongbin at the slightest, the close proximity of Taekwoon’s face, the older man’s shallow breaths against his cheek. Hongbin had barely noticed that Taekwoon had stepped over the mess between them, long legs matching his strides.  
  
  
“Was it… before Hyeri?” asked Taekwoon so softly, his voice always so angelic and feather-light. It made Hongbin feel queasy, lips pulled back in a small grimace as he could only let out a nod in confession.  
  
  
Hongbin was then pulled up into a hug, too dazed to hug back as his eyes peered over Taekwoon’s shoulder in shock. He sucked in a breath erratically as Taekwoon’s strong arms held him close, unable to understand what was happening. In confusion, he stared down to Hyuk, who was sitting cross-legged at the end of the bed, round and cute cheeks raised in a twinkling smile that Hongbin loved so dearly. Hyuk was happy… as if Hongbin should be, but the latter didn’t understand at all.  
  
  
“I…” Hongbin pulled away, despite his body seeming to be begging for the natural warmth of Jung Taekwoon, he was horribly confused. “What are you doing? Why…”  
  
  
“You should have told me earlier, Hongbin.” Taekwoon seemed a little abashed, pink, even, as he spoke, eyes flitting away with pale lips tightened into a line.  
  
  
“As if I could, you were so in love with Hyeri that I-”  
  
  
Hongbin’s voice was interrupted by the press of Taekwoon’s lips against his. The act caused Hongbin to stumble backwards, only having to be caught by Taekwoon’s sturdy hands again. As if surprised himself, Taekwoon immediately pulled back, eyes fluttering up at him.  
  
  
“I- um- sorry.” It was Taekwoon who studied now and looked bashfully away, only to look down at Hongbin’s reddening chest in thought to say softly: “You should've told me sooner.”  
  
“T-Told you sooner-?” Hongbin spluttered, shooting him an incredulous look, only for Taekwoon to close the door behind Hongbin and walk him against the door, listening in on Hongbin’s flustered breaths against his neck as he stared down at him, leaning in for another kiss.  
  
  
Hongbin whimpered, Taekwoon’s soft lips molding against his with a scarily strange ease. It was as if Taekwoon had kissed him multiple times before, long fingers edging up to grab Taekwoon’s t-shirt, though in order to pull towards him or push away, he wasn’t sure. Hongbin squeezed his eyes shut, gasping into Taekwoon’s steady and sure mouth, his body incredibly tensed with his shoulders raised. His eyes suddenly fluttered open, seeing Hyuk still smiling, yet covering his eyes like an under-age should. Taekwoon’s lips had taken a break from a breathless Hongbin’s, who felt like his knees were going to collapse underneath themselves. He stared up at Taekwoon, whose sparkling eyes could only show amusement at his bumbling and flushed reaction.

  
“Cute.”

  
“It’s not cute, y-you jerk--” Hongbin retorted, clutching his heart, wanting to wrench his shirt up and over his head. His body feeling immensely hot, his heart beating as if it were on fire, his voice cracking in a high-pitched splutter. “D-Do you think this is a game?”

  
Taekwoon blinked, obviously taken aback, his eyebrows twitching down into a frown. “Of course not.” He replied quietly, lips pressing together in a soft sigh. His eyes staring down at Hongbin’s feet in a small lapse of thought, his hands pressing together somewhat hesitantly, the small silence making Hongbin feel terrifyingly anxious, as Taekwoon’s lips were parting and closing with a deeper frown each time.

  
“... I like you.” Taekwoon finally confessed, after all that thought, it seemed that was what he wanted to say. Hongbin didn’t know how to feel, only to see Hyuk laugh without sound on the bed, collapsing onto it in a fit of giggles only to be brought up. Hongbin’s eyes flickered over to Hyuk in horror of his voyeurism, immediately getting off the door.

  
“Go away, Hyuk -!” He exclaimed, raising a hand as if to rid his presence. “Now’s not the time-”

  
Suddenly, his wrist was taken gently by none other than Taekwoon, which would of been a nice gesture if not how his fingers curled over Hongbin’s thin wrist as if a warning not to look away. “Forget Sanghyuk for a second.” Taekwoon said softly, stepping towards him, his face softening in concern. “There’s only you and me here, right?”

  
If Hongbin had looked up to meet his eyes with Taekwoon’s, their noses would have brushed, so he kept his head dipped in defeat, his eyebrows knotting in concern for himself. “Yeah,” Hongbin sighed softly, only for one of Taekwoon’s feet to edge between his, his thigh slipping in between Hongbin’s as they both collapsed on the bed together where Hyuk once sat, his solid yet ghostly form diminishing to smoke at the contact. Taekwoon was already on top of Hongbin, his leg hitched between Hongbin thighs as he kissed him without thought, pressing his lips sweetly to his cheeks, nose, between his brow.

  
Hongbin couldn’t help but to wonder, while his face caressed with loving kisses from the man he adored the most, that Taekwoon had done this to Hyeri only two to three months prior. It made him feel sick, made him feel second best, and as Hongbin’s adams apple bobbed with his nervous gulp, Taekwoon seemed to read his mind:  
  


“Don’t let your mind linger elsewhere.” Taekwoon had murmured in his ear, his hands already hoisting up Hongbin’s shirt. “Only think of me, Hongbin.”

  
“Y-Yeah…” Hongbin could only gasp dumbly in reply, eyes fluttering closed and gave short whimpers as Taekwoon pressed fairy-light kisses down his jaw and neck. “Okay…”  


It was like that, Hongbin found himself drowning in pleasure to the hands and body of Taekwoon, waking up the next morning with a radiating smile, something that Taekwoon’s eyes seemed to sparkle at when he woke up to a nuzzling amongst an embrace.

It was when, their naked frames entangled in sheets, Hongbin’s eyes gazed up at Taekwoon that the latter said something that surprised and confused him. Hongbin’s hand slowly slipped away from entangling themselves in his hair  and onto the sheet beneath them, the sheet that Hongbin had clutched white-knuckle tight the night before.  
  
  
“... Be your boyfriend?”  
  
  
Taekwoon simply nodded, his hair cascading perfectly down the pillow, an image, partnered with his broad naked shoulders and torso hugged tightly by the blankets that seemed almost ethereal to him and made him swoon immediately.  
  
He was tied around Taekwoon’s little finger, and he was scared of it. He got attached, and got hurt, over and over, the first time of his life was the death of Hyuk, and it surely wasn’t the last. Hongbin’s hand was then scooped up in Taekwoon’s own, gasping softly with trembling lips.  
  
  
“ _Please_.” Taekwoon’s light and soft request seemed so small, as if it were a desperate and childish ambition condensed into a tiny word. Taekwoon brought Hongbin’s hand to his soft lips, pressing a kiss against it, and really, how could he resist?  
  
With flushed cheeks, Hongbin just nodded a positive, immediately looking down as was immediately flustered by it. “Yes.” He finally said, eyes raising finally into Taekwoon, who was smiling so sweetly. “Okay.”  
  
Taekwoon shuffled closer, nuzzling Hongbin’s temple and sinking his face into the younger boy’s silken strands, closing his eyes contently in the tight embrace. Hongbin himself felt exposed, though strangely secure.

  
He knew how wrong this was, being so close since Taekwoon’s last relationship, but for the first time in his life, he realised that maybe, it was okay to be selfish.  
  
  
At least for now, perhaps it was okay to be a despicable person.

  


♔

 

 

Taekwoon playing soccer on the field, as Hongbin learnt, was always more exciting sitting on the top of the metal fence surrounding it. He was consciously aware, that as he sat watching the game from this proximity, it was horribly close to how Hyeri once did, a smile and laugh bright enough for Hongbin to have noticed it from the main building of the school. At the thought, Hongbin’s eyes flickered up at the tinted glass of the school building, searching for the window he had usually peered out in a silent envy that quietly bubbled inside him.  
  
  
His train of thought was interrupted by a sharp cry of a whistle announcing a goal, his head immediately perking up in surprise. His eyes searched relentlessly for the person to have scored it, only to find Taekwoon with a bright smile, racing across to his team-mates as they all high-fived and patted his back in a job well done. Hongbin’s shoulders slumped in defeat, his eyebrows knotting in contempt at himself, huffing and kicking the back of his foot into the fence in a small tantrum. He had missed Taekwoon’s goal.  
  
  
His lips pursed, only to see Taekwoon’s strong legs running over to him as if pulled towards him like a magnet. A bright smile escaping Hongbin’s lips, his hands extending in a hug as Taekwoon ran up against the fence, almost knocking him off if not for Taekwoon's sudden, firm hold of his hips. As their eyes connected sweetly, Hongbin’s back curled over to press their forehead’s together. 

“Did you see it?” Taekwoon asked expectantly, his light voice interrupted by steady pants. Hongbin’s face softened, wanting to lie and say yes, but he was horrible at it. Hongbin’s smile twisted apologetically, the corners of his lips turning down in a downcast expression.  
  
  
“I missed it.” Hongbin confessed, his shoulders slumping and looking down, sitting up a little. “I looked away for a second, and you-”  
  
  
Taekwoon went onto his tippy-toes in his football shoes, kissing up into Hongbin’s mouth with a soft smile. “Did you miss that?”  
  
  
Hongbin stuttered, cheeks red as his shoulders slumped in embarrassment, biting his lip, secretly tickled pink and looking away sheepishly. “N-No.”  
  
  
Taekwoon just gave a small, soft smile in reply, only to be called back onto the field. “Game’s almost over. Back soon.” Taekwoon promised quietly, ruffling Hongbin’s hair before returning to the field.

“You guys are so damn dumb.” Hongbin almost fell off the fence when Jaehwan’s head popped out of nowhere, his obnoxiously large nose always sticking itself into everyone’s business. Hongbin shot him a look of contempt, shoving his head away only for Jaehwan to laugh loudly and join him up on the fence.  
  
  
“You really like him, huh?” Next, it was Hakyeon, sitting on the other side of Hongbin on the fence, making Hongbin increasingly anxious about the two. They were both grinning at him so brightly, Hongbin could only sigh loudly in annoyance at the two, shooting them both glares. 

  
However, his face softened and stared down at his hands and gave a shy nod, only to receive obnoxious ‘awes’ from his two-member audience. Hongbin covered his blush with his hand, biting his lip and exclaiming in protest.

 

♔

 

 

Knuckles brushing against each other turning into hesitant hand holding, to firm, entwined fingers as they walked down the street. Studying opposite sides to each other in the library, where neither fell asleep and instead shared sneaky glances to each other only for the two break out into bashful smiles. Ramyeon for two at home, at restaurants, slurping up noodles together and laughing into their bowls. Cuddling up to each other against the bed, watching movies only for Taekwoon to fall asleep with blankets surrounding him. Simple texts sent to each other through class despite being right next to each other. The honeymoon stage of their relationship made Hongbin want to melt. To Hongbin, it seemed like a strange dream, a dream that he never truly wanted to get out of. However, as their relationship went on within those following weeks, he began to write letters to Hyuk less and less, he began to see the boy only at rare times with an expression Hongbin couldn’t read. In a way, he was glad, as he was able to smile again, and so were the other four, but of course, he felt like he was abandoning Hyuk.  
  
  
It wasn’t his fault that every time he saw Hyuk, Taekwoon distracted him from the ghost boy, right? When he turned back, it wasn’t his fault that Hyuk had gone, right?  
  
  
It didn’t matter whether Hongbin was jealous or not anymore.  
  
  
He was always a despicable creature.

 

 

♔

 

  

Their relationship had extended on for two months, and Taekwoon’s lips had become something that Hongbin now craved. It seemed like an insatiable desire, one that he had always dreamt about feeling, but had never experienced until now. Hongbin was watching his boyfriend from across the table, who didn’t seem to give him any mind as the curry the former made had been presented before him, untouched.  
  
Hongbin slowly lifted his fork, eyes blinking slowly and looked down at his curry, trying not to be bothered by the other’s constant texting to the mysterious reciprocant. Hongbin just ate his curry silently, eyes flickering up at Taekwoon whose eyes seemed magnetized to the screen. Something horrible lurched inside Hongbin’s stomach at the softening features of Taekwoon’s face, who even smiled a little when receiving a message.  
  
  
“Who are you talking to?” Hongbin finally asked quietly, feeling like he was on the verge of tears. Why, even when they were now together, did he feel the same jealousy as before? He felt his breath shudder, and prayed mentally that the older man didn’t hear.  
  
  
Taekwoon seemed to return to Earth, finally putting his phone down as eyes met, Taekwoon just smiled, obviously not noticing Hongbin’s discomfort, lying so easily: “No one in particular.”  
  
  
Hongbin’s eyes lowered at his food, wanting to stand up and walk off and eat elsewhere, feeling incredibly numb. He lowered his fork, suddenly not having an appetite only for his eyes to flicker up and Taekwoon’s fingers were unlocking his phone again, punching in his birthday after getting a message and lowering his fork because of it.  
  
  
It was then Hongbin stood and left abruptly, not wanting to have to fight back tears in front of his boyfriend. Walking down the hall, he saw Hyuk giving an unreadable expression though only receiving a grimace from Hongbin as he strode past.  
  
He shut himself in his room, the door slammed perhaps a little too loud as his body slid down the wooden surface and collapsing on the ground, body curling over raised knees. He felt pathetic. His head raised to see a concerned Hyuk sitting in front of him on his knees, head tilted at him. Hongbin just smiled weakly to tell him he was okay, wanting to tell him and apologize for not writing letters to him lately. He cringed, head thunking against the wall as Hyuk’s hand extended as if to run his hand through Hongbin’s hair in comfort, though it went straight through, fingers disappearing through Hongbin’s flesh. Hongbin’s hand raised as if to remove his hand, the gentle and slow gesture made Hyuk smile and tears to drip down Hongbin’s face, wincing.  
  
  
  
_Knock knock._

Hyuk, as if shocked, dispersed into nothing at the sound like a frightened animal, leaving Hongbin alone. He flinched against the door, causing a small thud on the door where he sat, eyes darting to the ground when Taekwoon said his name.  
  
  
“Hongbin.”  
  
  
It was so soft, so concerned, so cautious that it made Hongbin want to burst into tears.

“I’m sorry, I won’t be rude again.” Taekwoon must of been kneeling at the door, since his voice was close to his despite being separated by a door. “... I’m sorry I haven’t been talking much lately. It’s not your fault.”  
  
  
  
“What was it, then?” Hongbin finally responded, voice shaky.  
  
“Mine.” Taekwoon said simply, feather-light voice replying without hesitation. “Come out, and we’ll have dinner together.”  
  
  
  
“I’m not hungry.” Hongbin said truthfully, finally deciding to stand up and climb onto the bed, wanting to shrivel and die. It was probably an over-reaction, though despite it, he couldn’t help what he was feeling in the present. The door opened, light shedding into the room as Taekwoon only saw Hongbin scrambling into bed and wrapping a duvet around him tightly, only the top of his hair visible.  
  
  
  
“Hongbin…” Taekwoon murmured softly, walking over quietly and causing Hongbin to flinch, the former placing his phone on the bedside table to slide onto the bed, long fingers trying to remove blankets from his boyfriend’s face. Taekwoon’s eyebrows knotted together in concern as soon as he saw Hongbin’s watery eyes refuse to look at him, letting go of the younger immediately. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…”  
  
“I’m over-reacting again, right?” Was all Hongbin could muster, eyes refusing to look into Taekwoon’s, who slowly began to caress his hair. “I’m making it hard for you again, right?”  
  
  
“I’m more concerned about you than myself, Hongbin.” Taekwoon said softly.  
  
  
Hongbin then finally rolled over properly, face peering up at him and giving a shuddering sigh. “... Am I not good enough?”  
  
  
Taekwoon blinked, surprised. “What?”  
  
  
“It’s been two months.” Hongbin said softly, as if it wasn’t obvious. “Have I already bored you?” _I’m sorry I can’t be Hyeri,_ was what he wanted to say. “Why are you hesitating, lying… avoiding…? Is the affection period already over for you?”  


Taekwoon’s softly concerned expression fell, lips parting in shock as if everything was emotionally backfiring. “Hongbin … I love you.” Taekwoon tried to say, hands doing their best to card through Hongbin’s hair, though the latter’s hurt face made it falter.  
  
  
“Who were you texting?”  
  
  
Taekwoon’s jaw shut, eyes lowering and away, as Hongbin gave a small, pathetic wince in response, turning away.  
  
  
“Even when I’m dating you, you’re distant. Even when I’m dating you, I’m not your favourite.” Hongbin mentioned softly, lips and hands trembling. He felt Taekwoon’s gaze return, hands suddenly bundling up Hongbin in his arms. Taekwoon lowered himself on the bed, embracing the blanket-surrounded Hongbin wordlessly.  
  
  
“I’m sorry.” Taekwoon said in a feather-light voice, face buried in the duvet. “I’ve never wanted to hurt you.”  
  
  
Hongbin turned in Taekwoon’s arms, watery eyes staring at him solemnly and giving the man a small kiss to the lips. “I know.” Hongbin sighed softly as their lips connected again in a gentle kiss. The lips that Hongbin craved, the lips that Hongbin thought about. The feeling, texture, movement that made his heart race even now as the kiss only deepened.  
  
Hongbin craved Taekwoon, though, at the bottom of his heart, wondered if it was only one-sided.

  
As Taekwoon eventually fell asleep after they both ate the curry together quietly, Hongbin’s eyes grazed Taekwoon’s perfect features, wanting to smile at the boy’s ruffled and messy hair against the pillow while his chest rose and fell delicately, though couldn’t get himself to.  
  
  
Hongbin moved closer, eyes almost in awe of his features as he made sure the blankets were snugly over his chest, a light kiss pressed against the corner of Taekwoon’s mouth.  
  
  
“I love you, Taekwoon.” Hongbin whispered, head lowering to rest on his sleeping chest, only for Taekwoon’s phone to vibrate.  
  
  
  
Hongbin’s eyes opened again and gazed up at the phone which flashed for a message, head raising as he curiously looks at Taekwoon and back at the phone. Reaching over, Hongbin entered the pass code; 1110.

  
  
As he squinted through his lashes at the brightness of his screen, his vision focused on the message that had just popped up on the phone, seeing a name.

  
  
_Hyeri_

 

  
He didn’t have to read anymore, he didn’t have to read the conversation, only her simple message of goodnight~ was enough to make Hongbin want to throw up.  
  
  
  
Taekwoon and Hyeri had begun talking again, but the fact that Taekwoon wasn’t open about it worried Hongbin the most. He didn’t need to look at anything else, setting the phone back with a hand that now seemed incredibly weaker than before, a heavy sigh escaping him as he buried himself into Taekwoon’s chest.  
  
  
  
He was usually lulled to sleep by the man’s strong heartbeat, but tonight, was bothered by it.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Bothered by the fact, it had never beaten for him in the first place.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any questions about the fic, make sure to ask me [here!](http://ask.fm/xfaunalyn)

Hongbin was catching up on work, having stayed in the classroom despite the bell for lunch. He had been horribly distracted lately, though today, Hyuk was nowhere to be found to bother him. His pen glided across the paper, coping out notes from a text book and pursed his lips. His mark, a bare pass, peeked out of the inside pages. The mark that had gotten him so frustrated he was now scribbling away in his book as if it was going to make up for it.  
  
  
There was a small sound, and Hongbin’s eyes lifted from the paper slightly to see a sandwich and a small carton of milk. Hongbin’s lips parted in surprise, looking up to Taekwoon who was sitting down in front of him, chair turned around. He smiled gently when their eyes met, Taekwoon crossing his legs as if on autopilot, hands clutched together.   
  
  
“You didn’t have to get me-”  
  
  
“Eat.”  
  
  
Hongbin blinked in surprise, only to stare down at the milk. He’d be lying if he was to say he wasn’t hungry. Long, slim fingers were slowly opening the milk carton in them, even popping in a straw. Hongbin gave a small grateful smile, secretly tickled pink Taekwoon thought to buy him food. It seemed to show on his face, for Taekwoon gave a small huff.   
  
  
“You act as if it’s the first time.” Taekwoon said softly, even unwrapping Hongbin’s sandwich for him.   
  
  
Hongbin smiled, a dimple appearing as his elbows rested on the table, admiring Taekwoon’s features instead of the milk. “I think it’s cute.”  
  
  
Taekwoon’s eyes fluttered in surprise, glancing away as Hongbin laughed out loud, a large smile hidden by his hand. Hongbin leant over to kiss Taekwoon's cheek, musing. "You're cute."

 

"A-Am not." Taekwoon grumbled, though despite the grumpy voice, still maintained its feathery tone, obviously disgruntled when Hongbin laughed again, the former biting his lip out of nervousness.

 

"Here." Taekwoon just pushed the milk slightly, urging Hongbin to drink it, in which he did gratefully, offering him some afterwards. Taekwoon hesitated, though sipped, licking his lips after the taste. Taekwoon's phone vibrated, and Hongbin found himself forcing to look occupied with his study, scribbling some notes down as if he'd just remembered them. Taekwoon's eyes immediately flitted to his pocket, fishing it out slowly when Hongbin seemed not to notice, eyes blinking down at the screen.

 

He seemed to reply quickly, setting the phone face-down on his lap as long fingers began to pull off the crust of Hongbin's sandwich without thought, popping it into his mouth before looking back at his phone.

Hongbin blinked up at this, frowning at him. "Hey, I thought you bought this for me."

Taekwoon blinked up at Hongbin, mildly surprised. "Huh? I did, you hate crust, so I ate it for you."

Hongbin stared at him, feeling his heart slowly crumpling. "I like crust." He stated quietly, proud of himself for keeping his voice steady. It wasn't Hongbin who hated crust. It was--

 

Taekwoon's eyes seemed to realise what had happened, immediately flitted away as he frowned, the corner of his lips twitching down. "Ah, of course you don't." He stated simply, biting his lip softly in concern. "I'm sorry, I- she-"

 

"It's fine." Hongbin said, perhaps a little short with him, and tried to shove the crustless sandwich into his mouth to prevent him from saying anything further, eyes returning to his notes, suppressing his anger with a small: "Thanks for the lunch."

 

"No problem." Taekwoon said, voice dead.

 

 

♔

 

 

“You haven’t been writing letters to Hyuk lately.” Hakyeon noticed, sifting through the papers on Hongbin’s school desk, surprised to not see any letters. Hongbin’s lip curled at Hakyeon not caring about privacy in regards to the things on his desk, though he supposed he had nothing to hide anyway.

  
“Mhmm,” was all Hongbin could say while changing the lead in his mechanical pencil, wincing when it stabbed him a little when he slid it in.   
  
  
Hakyeon huffed, putting a chin on Hongbin’s desk, looking offended when Hongbin frowned at him, wrinkles increasing from the intensity.   
  
  
“If you don’t get off my desk, I’ll stab you with my pencil.” Hongbin grumbled, lifting the weapon of choice as if it was actually threatening.   
  
  
“Kinky.” Hakyeon stated, only to gasp in horror when Hongbin poked Hakyeon’s hand with the sharp edge of the pencil, the latter shaking his hand and putting his mouth to it.   
  
  
Hongbin just rolled his eyes before getting distracted by Jaehwan back-hugging a sitting Sojin, who looked up with a bright smile, their lips connecting. Hongbin blinked in mild surprise, not that they were together, but the fact Jaehwan actually was able to woo a girl.   
  
  
“What is that.” Hongbin just stated dumbly to himself, causing Hakyeon to laugh, playing with a stapler, pulling the top on and off.   
  
  
“You didn’t know? Started about a week ago.” Hakyeon stated matter-of-factly, only to look over at the gooey infatuated couple with a scowl. “Can’t believe it. That Jaehwan is getting laid before me.”  
  
  
“Me neit-” Hongbin blinked, only to realise that he had in fact gotten laid before Jaehwan. He smiled a little at the thought, thinking that he had beat Jaehwan in something. Hakyeon’s eyes positively widened like an excited school girl.   
  
  
“What was _that_?” Hakyeon exclaimed, implying Hongbin’s sly grin against his pencil. “Have you two- have you two-”  
  
  
Hongbin blinked, raising an eyebrow. “Have who what, Hakyeon?” He mused, wanting the flustered boy to say it.  
  
  
“Unbelievable.” He scowled, leaning back on his chair and crossing his arms, looking away stubbornly. “Ridiculous. Everyone’s ridiculous.”  
  
  
As if on cue, Taekwoon’s lips pressed against Hongbin’s head, scraping a chair across the floor to sit next to Hongbin. Taekwoon’s hair was damp as it rested against Hongbin’s shoulder, obviously just out of the shower after practising. Hongbin looked down, smiling softly as their hands connected on Hongbin’s lap wordlessly, the other hand still writing down notes despite the messiness.   
  
  
“Who’s ridiculous?” Taekwoon finally asked, his voice a little breathless as he sat up, frowning at Hakyeon.   
  
  
“You.” Hakyeon huffed, gesturing both of them in the general direction. “Getting laid before me. Together.”  
  
  
Taekwoon suddenly lowered his face, obviously embarrassed by the blunt description of the events, causing Hongbin just to smile a little. Taekwoon grumbled about Hakyeon being bothersome, biting down on his lip. Hakyeon grinned at the response.   
  
  
“It was good, huh? It’s been awhile since I’ve seen you blush like this. Last time would be -- err --” It seemed it was then Hakyeon remembered the situation, and his voice faltered. Hyeri’s name was taboo now, especially in front of Hongbin, who seemed to be fighting against breaking into pieces at any mention of her. Hakyeon couldn’t really blame him. Taekwoon seemed to react the same way, hands even twitching nervously right now. “... anyway, was it good?”  
  
“What was-” Hongbin blurted without thinking, only to laugh out loud. “Yes, it was great.”  
  


Taekwoon, however, said nothing, eyes glued to the ground, lip bitten again.

  
Both Hakyeon and Hongbin noticed, swallowing back sighs as any smiles or happiness about the conversation faded. Hongbin had an overwhelming urge to write to Hyuk suddenly, standing up and taking a book, barely conspicuously.   
  
  
“I’m going to the bathroom.” Hongbin stated automatically, knowing he’d sound ridiculous saying that with a pen and paper in his hand.

  
He walked briskly past a cooing and nuzzling Jaehwan and Sojin who laughed together with pet names already shared, his face bright with both embarrassment and anger.

_Why was Taekwoon like this?_ Hongbin asked as soon as he’d locked himself in a cubicle, fingers threatening to pull his own hair out as he sunk to the ground. Ever since him and Hyeri had begun talking again, ever since his eyes were glued to his phone despite the man in front of him who loved Taekwoon so dearly, ever since that, Hongbin felt worse than he did before the relationship started.   
  
  
It hurt. He got the mechanical pencil in shaking hands, and in messy scrawl, wrote a letter to Hyuk that even he could barely read, eyes watering.   
  
  
  


 

♔

 

 

 

Hakyeon had watched Hongbin go with concerned eyes, only to slowly look at Taekwoon, lips curling into a snarl. “You’re an asshole.”  
  


“I know.” Taekwoon said weakly, eyes gazing at Hongbin’s desk.   
  
  
“That was his letter book for Hyuk. He’s going to fucking write to him again because of your lack of attention. I told you, it’s either you or Hyuk to Hongbin. If he can’t rely on one, he relies on the other.”  
  
  
“I know.” Taekwoon replied bitterly, looking away.   
  
  
“Do you even love him?” Hakyeon asked, eyes searing into Taekwoon’s skull.   
  
  
Taekwoon didn’t answer, long eyelashes hiding his eyes that looked dimly at Hakyeon’s chest, blatantly not reciprocating any eye-contact. It infuriated Hakyeon, who scrunched up a piece of paper, eyes closing in frustration and eyes flitting away.   
  
  
“Well, whatever your answer is, he fucking loves you, and you’re hurting him.”  
  
  
“I know.”   
  
  
“So do you love him?”   
  
  
Taekwoon was silent for a couple of moments, before lowering his head. “I don’t know.”  
  
  
“Well, you better find out, Taekwoon.” Hakyeon grumbled, getting up from his chair and leaving the classroom, hands shoved into his pockets.

 

  
  
♔

 

 

Hongbin’s tears began to blotch and smudge his declarations for his feelings, the man wincing as his pen messily scribbled on the repeated lines, angrily drawing over it so hard that the page ripped. Once it did, Hongbin looked away and grimaced, and out of a short lapse of anger, threw the book violently at the wall, Hongbin’s back curling into his knees, past letters falling around him.

  
Pathetic, pathetic.

 

Hongbin ended up staggering out of the cubicle, eyes swollen and red, hair ruffled. He looked like a mess, and after clogging the toilet with letters to Hyuk, he decided it was time he would go home. Go home, skip class. Who needed it, anyway. Then again, Hongbin didn’t know what he needed, because what his mind came up with - Taekwoon, Taekwoon’s affection, Taekwoon’s attention, Taekwoon’s company - seemed so petty.   
  


He was petty, though as Hongbin, an emotional wreck, stepped out of the cubicle only to see Taekwoon with his arms crossed leaning against the wall, he felt that he was hardly petty before compared to what he was feeling now.   
  


Taekwoon blinked up to see him, and immediately, his face saddened, even frowning. Hongbin was seconds away from leaving the bathroom without a word, only for Taekwoon to slowly advance towards him. Hongbin froze, inwardly panicking, his hands trembling as Taekwoon got closer and brought him forwards into a tight embrace. Hongbin found himself burying his head into Taekwoon as if by instinct, though were unable to close his eyes, his waterlines burning from excessive crying.   
  
  
“Hongbin.” Taekwoon’s voice seemed like shards of ice against Hongbin’s skin, making him shiver. After a little while, the older boy spoke again: “I’m sorry.”

 

Hongbin broke down again, his body sinking into Taekwoon’s, relying on him to hold him up, which the latter immediately did so despite the lack of warning. Hongbin sobbed into Taekwoon’s shirt, balling his fists against his boyfriend’s shirt, the horrible sounds echoing throughout the bathroom.   
  
  
Taekwoon’s faced contorted painfully as he sunk his nose into Hongbin’s hair, clinging onto his shaking frame. “I’m sorry, Hongbin.” He repeated softly, though knew he was apologizing for the future too. The future he couldn’t promise anymore.   
  
  
Hongbin’s head lifted, eyes horribly watery, sobs reduced to soft sniffs and whimpers. Hongbin’s grip on Taekwoon’s shirt tightened, bringing him forward in a grimace, stammering a soft “asshole”, before leaning up to kiss him again. Taekwoon stumbled back a little as their lips connected, Hongbin’s lips rough and desperate, kissing the lips he craved constantly.   
  
Taekwoon found himself unable to kiss back despite Hongbin’s determination, and soon moved his head down and away, frowning softly. “I can’t, Hongbin.”  
  
  
Hongbin’s lips parted, a small gasp escaping him against Taekwoon’s cheek, though truthfully, he was barely surprised, and the fact of that hurt. Hongbin’s fingers slowly unbunched his shirt, lips pressing together in order to prevent them from trembling, eyelashes slanting down to Taekwoon’s chest, to his heart, whose rhythm wasn’t for him.   
  
  
“Of course.” Hongbin stated weakly, his chest heaving softly and trying to wipe his eyes with his sleeves, hiding how pathetic he felt.   
  
  
Taekwoon stood there, eyes flitting away, obviously feeling guilty for the circumstances as he knotted his own fingers together, looking a little closed in. “I can’t do it, Hongbin. Not anymore.”  
  
  
“This was… this was just a rebound relationship, wasn’t it.” Hongbin said quietly, as if he had already accepted it, readily accepted it. Perhaps he had, perhaps he was lying to himself again. Lying to himself always.  
  
  
Taekwoon took a little to reply, though, eventually nodded, eyes lowering. “Yes.”  
  
  
“The whole time?”  
  
Another nod.   
  
  
Hongbin winced, hands shaking as he went to wipe his cheeks again, only to end up cupping his face to hide his new shuddering sobs. Taekwoon went to hug him again, instinctively out of comfort, though Hongbin stepped back before he could, his back hitting the wall. “N-No,” was all he could choke out, hands slowly falling back to his side. “Don’t do it to me again.”   
  
  
Taekwoon looked like he was about to cry himself, his eyes threatening to spill over with tears as he bowed before Hongbin, keeping his head down. “I’m so sorry.” It was all he could say.  
  
  
Hongbin sunk to his knees, too weak to stand, tears falling silently, through no sobs. Taekwoon straightened his back, looking down at Hongbin with a pained expression, as the latter stared up at him, eyes glassy and face blank.   
  
  
“I’ve loved you for two years.” Hongbin stated numbly, looking into Taekwoon’s eyes. “But you’ve loved Hyeri for more.”  
  
  
It was then, Taekwoon’s quivering poker-face broke into a horrible grimace, a shaking hand coming to his mouth as Taekwoon looked away in time for Hakyeon to stalk in, obviously having an idea of what he was going to walk into. Giving Taekwoon no mind, he immediately went straight to Hongbin, who felt too empty to protest as he was hoisted up. Hakyeon’s glare was only reserved for a shaking Taekwoon as he let Hongbin lean on him, already walking out of the bathroom.

 

 

 


	4. FINAL

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you have any questions about the fic, make sure to ask me [here!](http://ask.fm/xfaunalyn)
> 
> Make sure you have tissues...

Two weeks past, as Hongbin sat in the middle of his room on the carpet, staring blankly out the window with sheets scattered all around him. Heavy bags weighed his face down despite having over-slept for the past week and skipping school, yet Hongbin didn’t know whether his dreams or reality was the real nightmare. Hair cascaded down the boy’s face, partially shielding vision as the boy closed his eyes again briefly as he lay back on the floor despite the crumpling sheets below him, ignoring the constant concerned texts from Hakyeon, a couple of selfies from Jaehwan and the occasional text from a confused Wonshik. Though, nothing was ever from Taekwoon.   
  
  
Two years. Two years, yet two months for nothing.   
  
  
Was he not good enough?  
  
  
It wasn’t like it was a new question he was asking. He’d asked it ever since he was a child. Ever since Hyuk passed away.   
  
  
Hyuk.  
  
  
Hongbin’s head turned on the ground to see Hyuk sleeping soundly just next to him, body so close to curling around Hongbin in comfort. How did Hyuk feel? What was he thinking? He had written to Hyuk so much, his hand pained him when he flexed it.   
  
  
Hongbin turned to his side to look at Hyuk, feeling himself slip out of consciousness again. His hand raised, going to stroke the ghost boy’s cheek, but his fingers slipped straight through, Hyuk’s skin going transparent. Hongbin’s strength and willpower seemed to die on him, as his arm collapsed on Hyuk, who dispersed into nothing.   
  
  
Hongbin was alone again.   
  
  
He slept.

 

 

 

 

 

♔

 

 

Hongbin had become too tired to write properly, slumping against his bed as his pen rolled down his book, eyes being pulled closed by some invisible force, his head lolling to the side, his face stained with tears.

 

 

 

Hesitant steps slowly crunched the papers scattered along the ground that had only built up in the weeks Hongbin had closed himself up from the world. Even now, Hongbin was asleep on his bed as four boys quietly ventured inside, having been allowed in by Hongbin’s mother.  
  


Wonshik slowly reached down and picked up a letter that had obviously been scribbled without much thought or care, making out words that only caused Wonshik to frown.   
  
  
“Everytime we come to see him, it just gets worse.” Wonshik’s deep voice broke the silence between the boys, who looked across at the papers and over to Hongbin. Taekwoon tagged behind, the situation almost unbearable for him, his guilt obviously ridden him of any confidence as he stood in the room, hands clutching together.   
  
Hakyeon sighed, sitting on the bed beside Hongbin who stirred ever so slightly. “It’s midday, why is he not awake?” Hakyeon asked softly, suddenly trying to tap Hongbin’s face gently to wake him up.

 

“How long has it been since he’s turned up to school?” Jaehwan asked, unusually quiet.   
  


“Four weeks.” Hakyeon stated, his voice numb. “Maybe five.”

  
Taekwoon picked up a letter that had dated to just yesterday, having to mentally prepare for what the messy words contained, particularly smudged and blotched from what Taekwoon believed to be tears, frowning as he tried to flatten the piece of paper that had been crunched in a way that Hongbin was obviously holding it after he had written it.

  
  
  


 

The continuously pained expression on Taekwoon’s face made Hakyeon sigh and snatch it out of his hand, eyes scanning the note as the former turned away with a wince. As Hakyeon read, Taekwoon composed himself, his chest rising and falling with his need to talk to Hongbin, eyes closing briefly so he didn’t lash out at anything or anyone.   
  
“Hongbin.” Taekwoon said quietly, finding himself hovering over the boy. Hongbin seemed to stir immediately at a voice he so desired, yet so feared, the younger boy slowly opening his eyes to see Taekwoon through dewy eyelashes.   
  
  
“Hongbin-”  
  
  
“Taekwoon.” Hongbin’s voice was hoarse as he said his name, feeling like he hadn’t spoken anything out loud in a long time. Taekwoon didn’t touch him, afraid to - Hongbin seemed to register now that other people were in his room and scrambled up, effectively hitting his head on the wall as he sat up.  
  
  
“I-I’m not hungry, I don’t want to eat anywhere, I’m fine -” Hongbin whimpered, grabbing the blanket to cover his bare chest, eyes wide and fearful and staring down at his bed.   
  
  
“Hongbin…” Taekwoon said softly, reaching over to him only for him to be pulled back by Hakyeon.   
  
  
“Come on, Hongbin. We’ll get you washed up, and you’ll go out-”  
  
  
“Hongbin isn’t getting better by eating, he said so himse-”  
  
  
“What would you rather, Taekwoon!? He stays here his whole life?” Hakyeon had raised his voice at Taekwoon, who blinked in surprised and looked away with a frown. Hakyeon’s eyes returned to his best friend on the bed, eyes hardening. “We’ll try and try and try, until he gets better. I’m not giving up on Hongbin.”  
  
  
“Leave me alone.” Hongbin said softly, covering his ears as he buried his head in his knees.   
  
  
“Not happening, Hongbin. I’m not letting you slip again.” Hakyeon said softly, Hongbin only budging when Wonshik and Hakyeon hoisted him out of his bed, looping the boy’s long arms around their shoulders as they took him out, Hongbin’s head bowed in defeat.

 

Hongbin was washed in the first time in days, ungroomed hair clinging to his skin from the bath as Jaehwan had grabbed clothes for him to dress him in, whle Hakyeon brushed his hair and made him look presentable. Hongbin could barely keep eye-contact with anyone, but wasn’t able to keep up with the silent treatment as he knew, deep down, that what they were doing was helping.

  
He didn’t deserve them, he knew, as his now-long hair could be tied into a ponytail, as Hakyeon pointed out with a smile. Hongbin returned the smile, although weak, slowly leaning into Hakyeon’s body in a gentle hug, muttering a thanks.

  
“It’s alright,” Hakyeon said quietly, rubbing his back. “We all should have done this ages ago, with Sanghyuk.”

  
Hongbin winced at the name, head leaving Hakyeon’s shoulder as he turned to leave, only for Hakyeon to bring him close and walk him out, obviously not minding skinship. Then again, Hakyeon had always been particularly touchy-feely.   
  
  
  


♔

 

 

Instead of a restaurant, they had gone to a park, Hakyeon renting some bikes as they had all rode down the outskirts of the city, Hongbin’s hair swept up as he flew down a hill. It was the first time he’d smiled brilliantly in weeks, the first time Sanghyuk was nowhere to be seen. He had beaten them all to the bottom, not realising at all that everyone had held back a little in order to give Hongbin all the glory as he leapt off his bike and extended his hands in the air, even laughing out loud as they all hugged him blissfully, Wonshik having to drag Taekwoon in as he had been too hesitant to join in, but even then, Taekwoon was always on the outskirts of the group, and Hongbin never looked at him.   
  
  
Hongbin found himself crying as he was hugged, his face being pulled back into a happy grimace as Jaehwan and Hakyeon laughed and picked him up in the air as if he had won gold for South Korea. Wonshik found his blubbering emotional face amusing, taking pictures of Hongbin on the ground after he had struggled so much Jaehwan and Hakyeon half-dropped him, and was now half-laughing, half-crying on the ground.   
  
  
Maybe, just maybe, he didn’t have to do this alone.  
  
  
  
  
  
Maybe, just maybe, this despicable creature could recover, despite it being slow.

 

  
  


 

 

♔

 

 

 

 

 

Hongbin smiled, slipping his note in an envelope before putting it on Sanghyuk’s grave, below his 12-year old picture that was placed before the stone. Hongbin was kneeling, wearing a black suit and smiling softly to the picture, eyes lowering to the one below it, which included all six boys standing together with mud all over their faces.   
  
  
Hongbin smiled fondly, eyes raising to four boys walking down in similar suits towards Hongbin, flowers in each other hands. Hakyeon knelt down and patted Hongbin’s back next to him, placing roses in the vase next to the stone, while Wonshik knelt down the other side, putting a pot of pansies on the other. Jaehwan, incredibly amused, put a party-hat on top of the headstone, they all laughed at how happy the little 12-year-old Sanghyuk seemed with his hat, beaming up at them in his picture.

Taekwoon knelt down silently next to Wonshik, face blank and lips pressed together, kneeling over to place a small envelope next to Hongbin’s, the letter’s words hidden inside. Taekwoon’s fists bunched against his thighs, as they all concurrently bowed to the boy who had affected their lives, in multiple ways.   
  
  
Hakyeon clasped his hands together in a silent prayer, closely followed by Wonshik and Taekwoon, Hongbin having already said his prayers before he had placed his letter, smiled over at them, finding his eyes prick with water  
  
  
Jaehwan barely gave them time to pray before he was singing Hyuk happy birthday, popping streamers over his headstone and causing Hakyeon to scowl since they went over his roses before they all joined in.

It was after that, they all stood, leaving Hyuk’s grave and linking hands as if to be each other’s comfort. Sanghyuk’s birthday was always the time they got together despite it all, despite how much they had changed since he died.   
  
  
“You okay?” Taekwoon asked softly, his clammy hand shaking a little in Hongbin’s, who he hadn’t touched since the breakup, months and months ago.   
  
  
Hongbin blinked in surprise to hear the direct question, only to smile genuinely, the one Taekwoon liked with dimples. Hongbin nodded, face softening, voice quiet. “Yeah, I am.”

 

 

_the end_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this angsty teenage fic that you're probably very mad at me for.   
> If you liked it, it'd be really wonderful if you could comment telling me what you liked!!  
> Thank you again!!


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